Love Doctor: Intro
BY JULIA KUANG '22
Hey guys, I’m Julia Kuang, but here I’m known as DR. KUANG. (Living up to the asian expectation, am I right? Mom, please be proud of me) After the disgusting apology by Balwant Singh—former senior and love doctor—in last year’s Graduation Issue, it is up to me to re-establish and uphold the esteemed profession of loveology. Unfortunately, I know for a fact that I will regret writing this in the near future, so it is safe to assume that I am hella fake. Definitely not as bad as Balwant, but I literally asked friends to make up questions for me to answer. Have fun reading this, and good luck to all your love adventures and endeavors!
Q: I love this guy, but he got a haircut so now he’s UGLY!
A: Well babe, I don’t think you really love him, so I don’t know what else to tell you other than build a trans-universe time machine using radioactive uranium-235, a rotating ultraspeed 100km long cylinder, an enormous load of money, Albert Einstein’s brain, a banana, and several other miscellaneous items that I can’t reveal (the government said so) just so that you can go back in time and murder his barber so he doesn’t cut his hair and can go back to being the mediocre-looking guy that you think is mildly attractive but never really worked up the guts to talk to (otherwise you guys would be dating already).
Q: I’ve been into this guy, but I don’t really know if I should share fries with him because that’s kind of a big step.
A: Quite the relatable situation. Food is very important for the human body, as it provides nutrients and energy. In choosing between your basic necessities and this guy you’re “kinda into,” I would strongly recommend putting yourself first, especially in a life or death situation. However, sharing your beloved fries with this dude could really push your relationship to a whole new level. So I guess you gotta balance the situation for yourself, even though it’s technically my job to answer this for you. Sucks for you!
Q: I, a senior, fell in love with a tiny freshman. Our love is forbidden…. Instead of talking to our parents, we decided to get married. But I killed a man and am now exiled from my beloved and her land. We plan to commit mutual suicide. Did I mention I’ve only known her for 3 days? What do I do?
A: Ah, spinning off Romeo and Juliet, the timeless classic. For those of you in freshman year, get ready for the most riveting, heart-wrenching, overhyped story about love EVER. 10/10 would recommend. Looking at this short but sweet modernized summary, Romeo and Juliet is a pretty screwed up story. Friends, don’t follow their example. You know how in “Love Story”, Taylor Swift very much alludes to Romeo and Juliet? It’s setting an unrealistic and somewhat toxic romance stereotype, and NO ONE should actually follow the footsteps of these two because then they will make horrible decisions that they will regret very much later or die before then, which is very stupid, so DON’T BE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET.
And that’s all I got… for now. Hit me up with more questions through my school email! I would greatly appreciate some love and support because even the Love Doctor needs some love.