Love Doc: A Back-to-School Edition
BY ALICIA GU '23
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Welcome back, readers! The Back-to-School season has finally arrived, which means study dates, requesting seat changes to get away from your toxic ex/failed talking stage, and an overload of chemistry (and I’m not talking about the science class). So, as your fleeting-yet-passionate summer fling dies down, get ready for a spicy classmates-to-lovers arc with the following tips!
Q. My style isn’t great, but my crush always looks like a snack in their outfits. How do I dress to impress? Trends come and go, so you’ll want to wear something that will continue to capture their attention for years to come. If you’re bold, buy a $5 shirt from Walmart and print an image of their face on the front. The bigger the better. Add a huge pink heart around their face to really get your point across. If you think that people might confuse your crush for someone else, write their full name on the back. If you don’t want to get weird looks in the hallways, stalk their Spotify account for their favorite artist and wear their merch; the chances of them stopping and staring at you in awe are slightly less, but hey, it’s still something! However, if you find out that they unironically listen to Weezer, Radiohead, or Imagine Dragons… run, and don’t look back. Q. I’m built like a lamp post and my partner is unable to ride most roller coasters. Does height matter? Next question. Just kidding! While many people often search for partners who topple over them like skyscrapers (or vice versa), think about how tired your neck would be from constantly looking up–or down. Repeat after me: just because they’re 6’2” does not mean they’re the one for you! Don’t let society’s standards dictate who you should feel attracted to—as long as you’re treated like royalty, height is an arbitrary factor that should not weigh heavily in your decision-making. Unless you just really like roller coasters. If that’s the case, break up ASAP. Q. What are the best pick-up lines? Help! I have no game! The best plan of attack for pick-up lines is to tailor the message to the person you’re attempting to woo. For example, if they recently posted about their trip to Jamaica on their Instagram story, swipe up with “Are you Jamaican? ’Cause you’re Jamaican me crazy.” They’re in Spain? No problem. Hit them up with “Tu papa debe ser pirata, porque tú eres un tesoro.” In my (very) professional opinion, I’d recommend exercising self-control and getting to know them first. Stay classy, y’all! That’s all, folks! I hope you all live out your Disney-Channel-high-school-romance dreams this school year, with all the drama and happy endings that you desire. Thanks for reading! Dr. Gu, PhD<3 Very professionally qualified by a professional qualifier |
