Love Doc: Quarantine Edition
BY JULIA KUANG '22
Helloooo everyone...THE LOVE DOC IS BACK!!!!! To my beloved (and probably nonexistent) readers, I hope you’re ready for the GREATEST edition of Love Doc yet! But first, let me find my eye drops and script for a Youtube-worthy apology: Guys, I am so incredibly *sniff* sorry that I didn’t write in the last issue….I had a lot going on...and I’ll never do it again. I promise *dramatic tear slides down face.* I’m sure you all suffered immensely without my oh-so-useful love advice. So without further ado, let’s get to it.
Q: I asked this girl out on a date over Animal Crossing, but when I saw her village, I immediately wanted to crawl into my bed and cry because her favorite villager is Raymond. How can I compare to this weirdly attractive cat?
Easy solution—just convince her to succumb to our capitalist society and make BANK off of him on the Animal Crossing black market (see Nookazon™). She might be attached now, but she could also get attached to 10 million bells, 100 Nook Miles Tickets, or even ACTUAL money. Worst case scenario, she regrets selling him and spends 500 hours island-hopping to find him, destroying any chance you had with her. Best case scenario, she sees past the appeal of these digital animals and notices you! Realistically though, if you feel bad comparing yourself to a nerdy cat that never takes off his suit, you might need to reevaluate your priorities in life.
Q: I texted multiple guys over quarantine, but I think I’ve actually caught feelings with one of them (as embarrassing as that is). I sent him some TikToks, but I’m pretty sure he’s on straight TikTok and I’m on alt. I don’t want to be caught dating a local but my feelings are getting in the way...what do I do?
Drop him. It’s the BLAND taste in TikToks for me ✨. You deserve the best alt guy who has immaculate taste in TikToks. You need someone who’ll bust down to “Dorime” 👽and “mi pan su su sum” with you. Straight TikTok is an awkward combination of Lil Huddy exposing people no one cares about and dances composed of the same old moves. Do you really want to be associated with that kind of content? No? That’s what I thought.
Q: I was at Costco, and I fell in love at first sight. Only problem is, they had a mask on (as any responsible citizen should, of course) and I couldn’t see his whole face! Is it really love, or am I just lonely from quarantine?
Honestly…felt that. But yeah, you’re probably right. It’s definitely the lack of human interaction that’s made you so desperate for affection. The rest of his face could look like Shane Dawson and you wouldn’t even know. If you were into him for his personality, however, that’s unexpectedly and heartwarmingly wholesome. If that’s the case, I hope you mustered up the courage to get his number. Either way, it’ll momentarily distract you from the fact that we are in a global pandemic as a multitude of social injustices come to light; meanwhile, you’re spending every day in quarantine, procrastinating on homework and watching sad anime movies just to feel something.
Good luck on all your future love endeavours!
Q: I asked this girl out on a date over Animal Crossing, but when I saw her village, I immediately wanted to crawl into my bed and cry because her favorite villager is Raymond. How can I compare to this weirdly attractive cat?
Easy solution—just convince her to succumb to our capitalist society and make BANK off of him on the Animal Crossing black market (see Nookazon™). She might be attached now, but she could also get attached to 10 million bells, 100 Nook Miles Tickets, or even ACTUAL money. Worst case scenario, she regrets selling him and spends 500 hours island-hopping to find him, destroying any chance you had with her. Best case scenario, she sees past the appeal of these digital animals and notices you! Realistically though, if you feel bad comparing yourself to a nerdy cat that never takes off his suit, you might need to reevaluate your priorities in life.
Q: I texted multiple guys over quarantine, but I think I’ve actually caught feelings with one of them (as embarrassing as that is). I sent him some TikToks, but I’m pretty sure he’s on straight TikTok and I’m on alt. I don’t want to be caught dating a local but my feelings are getting in the way...what do I do?
Drop him. It’s the BLAND taste in TikToks for me ✨. You deserve the best alt guy who has immaculate taste in TikToks. You need someone who’ll bust down to “Dorime” 👽and “mi pan su su sum” with you. Straight TikTok is an awkward combination of Lil Huddy exposing people no one cares about and dances composed of the same old moves. Do you really want to be associated with that kind of content? No? That’s what I thought.
Q: I was at Costco, and I fell in love at first sight. Only problem is, they had a mask on (as any responsible citizen should, of course) and I couldn’t see his whole face! Is it really love, or am I just lonely from quarantine?
Honestly…felt that. But yeah, you’re probably right. It’s definitely the lack of human interaction that’s made you so desperate for affection. The rest of his face could look like Shane Dawson and you wouldn’t even know. If you were into him for his personality, however, that’s unexpectedly and heartwarmingly wholesome. If that’s the case, I hope you mustered up the courage to get his number. Either way, it’ll momentarily distract you from the fact that we are in a global pandemic as a multitude of social injustices come to light; meanwhile, you’re spending every day in quarantine, procrastinating on homework and watching sad anime movies just to feel something.
Good luck on all your future love endeavours!
- Julia <3
