Crispy, Crunchy, Character Flaws
BY ELLA SHISHKOVA '26
With fall brings Thanksgiving, with Thanksgivings brings apple pie, and with apple pie brings apples. While other questions may be lurking around in your mind cavern, like “Is this the year I go denim on denim?” or “Am I finally financially stable enough to splurge on Yankee Candles?”, only one retains importance: “What does my favorite apple say about me?” You may be compelled to Google it, leading you to about five articles that don’t really answer the question (I Googled it), but who wants BuzzFeed’s advice when I, an extremely qualified and totally not random freshman, could tell you the harsh truth? Here’s what your favorite apple says about you.
Let’s start with a classic. I’m sure we’ve all heard of these apples: the Red Delicious. Red-Delicious-apple people are pretentious hedgepigs and have probably never had another type of apple. They aren’t even good, but that explains why the Evil Queen from Snow White used them as poison.
If Honey Crisp apples are your favorite, you live for the drama. This could manifest in chaotic theater kid antics or simple nosiness in others’ business. Honey crisps aren’t bad apples, but they are more susceptible to rotting. If you’ve rotted, you’re manipulative, and you’re willing to social climb and use others to your disposal. In reality, you’re just waiting for the next scandal so that you have something to talk about. You seem nice, but as soon as there’s any gossip-worthy tea, you forget what friendship is.
I like to refer to the Pink Lady apple people as the “Oh, honey”’s of the world… Unfortunately, you’re either a child or lament your days of being a child. This apple brings you back to a time when everything wasn’t in ruins around you. You’re trying to escape the grasp of time and live your life happily. If you’re over the age of eight and still claim Pink Lady to be your favorite apple, grow up!
Here’s a question for all of my Granny Smiths: how’s the crochet going? Just like the name, liking this apple suggests that you are like a sour old grandma. You probably crochet, knit, or do fiber arts in some way, and you’re very analytical. You don’t let yourself let loose and have fun, but it’s okay, because you have your caramel. Your caramel is your sweeter ride-or-die, and you two really get along well. You may seem sour and put up a strong front but on the inside, you’re pretty nice.
It’s time for my Empire people. If you like Empire apples, you're weird: there’s no nicer way of saying it. You’re a geek and have no problem telling people off if they talk during any movie/show that you’re invested in. It doesn’t bother you too much, though, because at least you got to experience the season four finale of Stranger Things in peace.
Gala apples are generally the peacemaker of the group, whether that’s of their choice or a natural role that they’ve filled out. You don’t care about the superficial as long as you have good people to latch onto. You’ll always be sure to check up on them periodically, regardless of how tight you are.
Last but not least, Fuji apples. If you say that Fuji apples are the best, you value social status. You might act like 20 different people at once to fit to others’ ideal. Your Instagram often features attempts at being ~aesthetic~ or lots of pictures of your loved ones.
If you don’t even like apples but have made it this far in the article, thanks, but also, why? Perhaps you may not even be wondering what your favorite apple says about you. Maybe you just wanted to see what kind of people your friends are. No matter what, remember that an apple a day can keep anyone away if you have a strong arm and good aim.