In the Defense of Crusty White Dogs

BY N. RAZBAN '23

Fellas, if you’ve spent any time on social media over the last few months (I know you have—that screen time is in the double digits, babe, go outside), you may have encountered a strange uproar from a very specific demographic: crusty white dog haters. Whether it be on Twitter or TikTok, these people have suddenly decided  to bash these poor pooches for nothing more than their looks. The Internet is so shallow; I don’t even have words, smh. These unkind individuals are accusing crusty white dogs of being ugly and annoying and are even calling out their owners! As a proud crusty white dog owner (shoutout to my terrier mix Olive, love ya girly), I feel that it is my duty to defend the honor of these little yipping balls of fur. 

Let's start by examining the elephant (or dog?) in the room: the crustiness. Where does it come from? If you don’t mind putting on your science goggles for a second, there’s actually a really interesting explanation to this! The crusty redness around certain dogs’ eyes comes from their tears, which contain porphyrin molecules which are rich in iron and turn red (or oxidize) when in contact with oxygen. What are the broader implications of this? ALL DOGS ARE CRUSTY, but since white ones have lighter fur, the redness is more visible. So yes, Sid, your precious golden retriever is just as crusty as my terrier. 

Now that you’ve passed your chem test (oxidation is a chemical change ;)), let's talk about these dogs’ personalities. Crusty white dogs are often portrayed as feisty and easily upsettable little monsters that spend their days barking at the dust under the bed. However, this is a grave misunderstanding because so many of these dogs behave this way due to their owners! If they are not socialized properly or trained not to bark, how can we expect them to be perfect little angels? Blame the owner, not the dog. 

We’ve now reached the final boss in conquering your phobia of these canines: their owners. Hate against crusty dog owners is often accompanied with beliefs that they are annoying, they talk about their dogs too much and they defend their dogs too much. Am I helping combat this stereotype by writing a passionate article defending these dogs? No. BUT my points are still correct because I’m an outlier (wow, chem AND stats, y’all are getting free tutoring over here). Let's begin by examining one of the main crusty white dog owners: The Karen ™,  aka misogynistic middle-aged women who believe the world is both flat and revolving around them. My first thoughts about the hate against them? Fair enough, they deserve it, but why do we associate cute little dogs with horrible people? As I said above, blame the owner, not the dog. There are countless incredible, kind, generous and overall perfect crusty white dog owners who... also happen to be very gifted writers. What’s that you say? It sounds like I’m describing myself? Aww shucks *Debbie Ryan ear tuck ™ * 

We’ve learned a lot today, friends, and we’ve grown as people in the process. Perhaps the problems don’t come from the dogs at all but rather the culmination of their made-up internet personas. Let's dissociate these dogs from all this negativity and simply give our pooches a belly rub, shall we? Here is my final attempt to convince any remaining haters out there to change their minds: stop. Thank you~