Love Doctor: Fall Edition
BY JULIA KUANG '22
¡Hola niños! Hope you all have been having a spunky funky time in school thus far! I also hope you haven’t been socially and romantically deprived! Despite the global pandemic, FaceTiming, texting, collaborating in breakout rooms, and holding your cursor over another person’s on a Google doc is still a thing! It can still happen! Woohoo! Love has no bounds! Except that it has to stay at least six feet apart in public!
Q: How can I communicate better with my girlfriend? I feel like we’re growing apart.
Yikes. It eez what it eez. But honestly, I think communication and trust is something that develops over time in a relationship, and if you’re just starting out, it’s admittedly pretty hard. I'd say try to set aside moments where you can just talk about anything. If you’re long distance or not seeing each other in-person as often (as, you know, we are in the midst of a global pandemic), make the effort to FaceTime a few times a week, whether it’s to seriously talk about your relationship or just vent about how your week has been. And yes, some people might not be into this, as every relationship has a different dynamic, but it’s important to try things out and see what works best for you.
And if you’re serious about your relationship, don’t be afraid to take the first step and express your concerns. Communication is key. Without it, your relationship will fall apart. Maybe your girlfriend will fall in love with your best friend and cheat on you and make you miserable for the rest of your life. But as the the final, most important takeaway, keep this in mind: I ain’t never seen two pretty best friends. It's always one of them gotta be ugly.
Q: I think I’m in love with Draco Malfoy. His hot ferret platinum blond hair makes me want to bust down and Accio Draco’s Love. Should I sneak him a shot of Amortentia?
Um. I don’t know what world you’re in, but we live in Acton-Boxborough. If you're shifting, I respect that. And NO. Absolutely not. Do not “sneak him a shot.” That is very bad. You should be ashamed. Consent should be taken seriously. Never, ever sneak anything bad into someone’s drink.
Do not resort to being a creep; instead, seduce him with your overwhelming sexiness. Projecting your affections onto fictional characters is actually, embarrassingly enough, something I am very well-versed in. But also keep in mind that while Draco is a hottie, he was also part of a discriminatory, violent terrorist group that literally murdered a ton of Muggles and Muggle-borns. And believe me, I know that he’s misunderstood and a product of his toxic pure-blood family, but just uh… yeah, keep that in mind. Anyway, you could probably just read Draco x reader fanfictions on Wattpad or AO3 until you realize how toxic he is or get tired of the terrible writing (which is quite similar to my writing here, unfortunately).
Q: I saw a couple making out public. Normally I just wallow in my loneliness and move on, but recently, I feel like I want to throw something at them.
Seek anger management therapy, perhaps? But to a certain extent (without the violent tendencies), that’s an understandable and, dare I say, relatable reaction. I, too, enjoy wallowing in my loneliness, especially since I haven’t left my bedroom for a week. And here is my advice for this situation: don’t throw anything, but verbally attack them FOR NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING AND HAVING THEIR MASKS OFF IN A PUBLIC AREA. It is corona time. I don’t wanna see any of that nasty disgustang PDA mumbo jumbo spreading germs all over the place. Seriously people, be aware of your surroundings! Wrap it (“it” equaling your face) before you tap it (“it” being your affections to your significant other). No glove (covering the lower half of your face), no love. Use (facial) protection!
But in all seriousness, stay safe, wash your hands, social distance, and please please wear a mask.
With lots of love,
Julia <3
Q: How can I communicate better with my girlfriend? I feel like we’re growing apart.
Yikes. It eez what it eez. But honestly, I think communication and trust is something that develops over time in a relationship, and if you’re just starting out, it’s admittedly pretty hard. I'd say try to set aside moments where you can just talk about anything. If you’re long distance or not seeing each other in-person as often (as, you know, we are in the midst of a global pandemic), make the effort to FaceTime a few times a week, whether it’s to seriously talk about your relationship or just vent about how your week has been. And yes, some people might not be into this, as every relationship has a different dynamic, but it’s important to try things out and see what works best for you.
And if you’re serious about your relationship, don’t be afraid to take the first step and express your concerns. Communication is key. Without it, your relationship will fall apart. Maybe your girlfriend will fall in love with your best friend and cheat on you and make you miserable for the rest of your life. But as the the final, most important takeaway, keep this in mind: I ain’t never seen two pretty best friends. It's always one of them gotta be ugly.
Q: I think I’m in love with Draco Malfoy. His hot ferret platinum blond hair makes me want to bust down and Accio Draco’s Love. Should I sneak him a shot of Amortentia?
Um. I don’t know what world you’re in, but we live in Acton-Boxborough. If you're shifting, I respect that. And NO. Absolutely not. Do not “sneak him a shot.” That is very bad. You should be ashamed. Consent should be taken seriously. Never, ever sneak anything bad into someone’s drink.
Do not resort to being a creep; instead, seduce him with your overwhelming sexiness. Projecting your affections onto fictional characters is actually, embarrassingly enough, something I am very well-versed in. But also keep in mind that while Draco is a hottie, he was also part of a discriminatory, violent terrorist group that literally murdered a ton of Muggles and Muggle-borns. And believe me, I know that he’s misunderstood and a product of his toxic pure-blood family, but just uh… yeah, keep that in mind. Anyway, you could probably just read Draco x reader fanfictions on Wattpad or AO3 until you realize how toxic he is or get tired of the terrible writing (which is quite similar to my writing here, unfortunately).
Q: I saw a couple making out public. Normally I just wallow in my loneliness and move on, but recently, I feel like I want to throw something at them.
Seek anger management therapy, perhaps? But to a certain extent (without the violent tendencies), that’s an understandable and, dare I say, relatable reaction. I, too, enjoy wallowing in my loneliness, especially since I haven’t left my bedroom for a week. And here is my advice for this situation: don’t throw anything, but verbally attack them FOR NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING AND HAVING THEIR MASKS OFF IN A PUBLIC AREA. It is corona time. I don’t wanna see any of that nasty disgustang PDA mumbo jumbo spreading germs all over the place. Seriously people, be aware of your surroundings! Wrap it (“it” equaling your face) before you tap it (“it” being your affections to your significant other). No glove (covering the lower half of your face), no love. Use (facial) protection!
But in all seriousness, stay safe, wash your hands, social distance, and please please wear a mask.
With lots of love,
Julia <3
