Love Doc: Wild Summer Edition

BY ALICIA GU '23

Welcome back, loyal readers! You’re probably wondering where Dr. Kuang is. Sadly, she is retiring after three years of giving you hopeless romantics some much-needed advice… which means that I’ll be your Love Doc for the next year! Thanks to our beloved Editor-in-Chief Emily Xu for coercing me into this, and shout out Julia for being a legend. If you find yourself doubting my ability to get you boo-ed up, my qualifications consist of the following: I used to live tweet every episode of Love Island USA (and earned a respectable 11 followers) and I’ve watched an unhealthy amount of K-dramas/romance anime. ’Nuff said.

In any case, YOU’VE MADE IT! No more school, APs, or rolling out of bed at 7:55 a.m. (if you’re chronically tardy like me) for the next two months. So, now that the senior/Term four slide is over, it’s time for the more important type of sliding--sliding into those DMs! Let’s get started.

Q. My partner and I will both be traveling over the summer, and I’m scared we’ll drift apart… what do I do?

​Summer can be a challenge for many couples, no matter how strong they think their relationship is. I’d recommend that you either tattoo your name somewhere on their body while they’re asleep, spam Game Pigeons to them every 30 minutes, or wait until you both return and hit them in the head with a baseball bat so that they forget about the entire summer. It’ll be like nothing ever happened; and, if they somehow suffer permanent damage, did they even really love you?

Q. If I see a hottie in the wild, do I ask for their Snap, IG, or number?

Yes, the holy trinity of simpery. Classic, and boring. Here are some alternatives:

If you’re planning for the future: LinkedIn
If you want to feel young again: Google Chats
If they look like they’d make thirst traps: TikTok
If you want to get red flags out of the way: Reddit

Q. How do I find a placeholder for my hallway crush over the summer?

1. Find the nearest boba shop in an area and make sure you look hot—like, even hotter than you normally are. As in Twice-concert-bound-with-backstage-tickets hot. Most importantly, make sure you feel hot; I recommend putting on some Megan Thee Stallion in the car. 
2. After you arrive, order a passionfruit green tea boba with lychee jelly—class recognizes class—and pretend to do your summer reading or read any book (people might get suspicious—no one starts summer reading until the week before school). Now, all you have to do is wait for the perfect person to walk in, and once they do, stare at them inconspicuously. If you followed Step 1, they’ll probably ask for your number (or your LinkedIn, if they’re really ‘the one’) too. Boom! 
3. If you’re too lazy to do all that, just watch the new Spy x Family episode.  It will give you pretty much the same effect. 

Well… IT’S OVER! Both this school year and this first attempt at a Love Doc column. Congratulations to all of you seniors! I hope I was able to impart some of my wisdom upon some of you before you leave for college. GU-d luck in your romantic and educational endeavors, and I hope you find happiness and fulfillment in whatever you do.

Dr. Gu, PhD 

Heart-vard University