Love Doc: Taking the Next Step
BY JULIA KUANG '22
Good morning! Or afternoon! Or evening! Or, if you’re like me and mindlessly doing absolutely everything to procrastinate studying for APs or other icky standardized tests, good luck and get back to work! Anyways… as summer vacation is fast approaching, get ready for a hot-girl/boy/non-binary summer! As one might say, bring out the heat!!!! 🥵🔥🌞 And as my last message to all of you this year, take a break this summer. Don’t ever, ever go even near the abomination of an app that is Zoom. Get some sexy sunshine and relax.
Q; My bf really, really wanted me to go to the same college as him. But I committed somewhere else since I thought the campus colors (and the campus itself) of his college are atrociously ugly. Plus, it was in the middle of nowhere. But now, my bf wants to break up with me. What do I do?
A: Aw. That sucks. GOOD FOR YOU FOR PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND NOT FORCING YOURSELF TO CHASE AFTER HIM IN COLLEGE. I can’t believe this dude wants to break up with you solely because of this, smh. But think of this as a beautiful new beginning. If the campus you chose is prettier than his (which I’m sure it is) I bet the people will be prettier too, on the inside and out (if that matters to you). There’s a saying that there are plenty of fishies in the sea. So BREAK UP WITH THAT BORING FISH, AND FIND A SPARKLY RAINBOW FISH! MAKE SOME YUMMY SUSHI! OVERFISH, AND DESTROY THE BORING FISH! Or not. This is an opportunity for a new beginning. College is all about finding yourself and discovering your own path. Take the next step in your life. Try new things, like not crying yourself to sleep or destroying the entire world out of spite. But either way, you didn’t hear it from me 🤫
Q: I need a girlfriend. Desperately. This is an utter cry for help.
A: Well then! You’ve come to the right place. Let me advise you.
**COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL** DO NOT ATTEMPT AT HOME*******PLEASE DON’T ATTEMPT**
STEP ONE: We need to prepare: get some duct tape ( with ducks printed on it), a 50 ft net, a frying pan, and a golden retriever puppy. This will be a walk in the park (literally).
STEP TWO: Pull up in your hot pink Lamborghini to the nearest park on a sunny 70 degree day. The weather HAS to be nice.
STEP THREE: Duct tape the net between two trees. You may get some suspicious looks, but brush them off— they’re just intimidated by your Alpha-ness.
STEP FOUR: Pull out the frying pan and go on the hunt. Use your Alpha instincts to capture a duck with your bare hands. Show off your survival skills to nearby onlookers.
STEP FIVE: Take doggo on a walk. In an optimal situation, you will get many “awwws” and “can I pet your dog?” from people.
STEP SIX: MAKE RUN FOR IT. SKEDADDLE. If you’re carrying duck treats (as you should be) the pupper will follow.
STEP SEVEN: Lead people to your super foolproof and sneaky trap. And there you go! You’ve successfully captured— I mean, attracted— a girlfriend!
STEP EIGHT: If you’ve somehow gotten this far without having the cops arrest you, congrats! Now release the people, sincerely beg for their forgiveness, take down the net, and make sure the dog has a loving home. Sob yourself to sleep as you realize that you will be forever alone in a world that seems to have everything against you (how will you pay off that student loan? How will you find happiness in a 9 to 5 job that exploits your labor and severely underpays while you constantly run on 4 hours of sleep every night and wake up in the morning wondering why your life ended up this way? How will you manage to finance yourself AND the golden retriever puppy that seems to be your only beacon of light in such a dark, sad world? How? How??). Anyways, goodnight and sleep tight! Dream big!
Wow, what a bright note to end on! Have a good one! And to graduating seniors that have actually read this hot mess of an “aRtiCLe,” congratulations on being able to step out of the hell-hole that is high school (for legal reasons, this is a complete joke! I love it here! I love high school and I really love AB! Go AB! Please don’t expel me! This whole thing is a complete joke! HAHA, PRANKED! But no, seriously, AB is just so, so good to me :)). Take the next step in your beautiful lives. Be awesome. And most of all, be happy.