A Date with Destiny
BY NOLAN RAZBAN '23
The year is 2023, and finding success as a journalist has proven to be harder than imagined. You’ve tried everything to get your career to take off, from spam-emailing the Boston Globe to starting your own kombucha review blog (it was called Komb-atting bad drinks in case you wanted to check it out). Finally, as a last resort, you submitted your “Which Electrical Cord You Are Based on Your Favorite Type of Mustard” quiz to Buzzfeed, but not even that gained any traction. The only attention you got was a singular comment from user87459 linking a website for finding singles in your area. Perhaps you’ve been doing it all wrong: maybe the secret to finding success is focusing on yourself and…finding love?
You do some research and create an account on washedupjournalistlove.com. After spending the next few weeks swiping through profiles of prolific journalists, you question the integrity of this website’s user base: do Adi and Emily, famed Editors-in-Chief of The Spectrum really have an account? Maybe you’re just being catfished.
Just when all hope seems lost, a blank profile named Destiny DMs you. You decide to shoot your shot and send a cunningly crafted message: “Hi. I think we were Destined to be together.” You pat yourself on the back for your originality. Thankfully, you enrolled in Andrew Tate’s Hustlers University 2.0 course, or else you might have sent a beta text. Destiny messages back, and soon you’ve got a date next Friday set at Acton’s Not Your Average Joe’s.
Friday comes along, and just as you park, you see someone pull up in a Tesla Cybertruck. “That MUST be Destiny!” you tell yourself. Her choice vehicle and assumed close relations to Elon Musk are definitely green flags (unfortunately, you were mistaken. It was not a green flag. Turns out a billionaire might not be a great guy? huh.). You walk up and introduce yourself with a slightly choked but suave nonetheless “sup?” She spares you the embarrassment of continuing the conversation and leads you both inside.
As you sit down, Destiny snatches the menu from your hands. “You won’t be needing this,” she says. “I know you’ll order the oven roasted cauliflower steak. They’ll burn it, but you'll still order it again in three months when you get comments on your “Komb-atting bad drinks” blog.” You look at Destiny, dumbfounded. How did she know what you were going to order? Perhaps in her mind, you aren't just an average Joe. “The joke you’re about to tell me isn’t funny” says Destiny, so you keep it to yourself. When the waiter returns, Destiny orders for both of you and asks that your cauliflower be very well done. A little strange, but you brush past it and ask her what she does for a living. “I’m a freelance business manager” she tells you. “I sell products directly to consumers, and I also give money-making opportunities to friends and loved ones.” She eyes the “Save a journalist, read a newspaper” sticker on your phone and asks how being a reporter has worked out for you. You shrug and tell her you're in the midst of setting up a huge project, so you haven’t had much time for more structured work (this is not true, you have no project). You continue going back and forth on your so-called “big project” until your food arrives, and just like Destiny said, your steak is burnt. Maybe it's because she asked for it to be well done? Things get a little more confusing as Destiny continues to talk about her business. Finally, as your date wraps up, she makes you an offer: she’ll sell you ten packs of coffee and if you can get five other people to sell them, “we can split the revenue 10/90” she says. Boy, will this beat cooking up “which Disney princess are you” tests!
After going home, you do some digging on Destiny’s business, and to your shock, it is involved in three class action lawsuits and is being accused of running a pyramid scheme. Who would have thunk it! Looking back, you do realize that she never said who would be getting the 90% portion of the revenue. Still, you believed her because she was just so sweet (and you are just so lonely). After an hour long shower with your clothes still on and crying over the assumed love of your life turning out to be a scam artist, your creative gears start turning.
Perhaps, you think, perhaps this can make for a great story! You start typing away, and by sunrise you have a full article on signs and red flags to look out for when being recruited for a pyramid scheme. You send it to the SpectrumVille Gazette and then fall asleep until the evening. The next day, the newspaper responds and wants to take you on as their fresh young talent. Your article blew up and got national attention! The date wasn’t a total fluke (thank god because you paid way too much for burnt veggies). You sleep with visions of your future: front page of the New York Times. Interviews with Oprah and maybe even your personal hero: Joe Rogan! Life starts looking up, all because you looked a little deeper into what Destiny told you to do. That's right folks, this is a “create your own path” sort of inspirational conclusion. At the end of the day, YOU get to make the choices, except when it comes to ordering from Not Your Average Joe’s. Who gets a slab of cauliflower on a first date, you silly little goose.