Love Doc: How to be a Pro at Prom
BY ALICIA GU '23
Spring is upon us, which means flowers, rain, and many missing assignments (sorry Mr. McClung). But for Love Doc senior apprentices, it is also the anxious yet thrilling season of—you guessed it—promposals! Here is a list of ideas for promposing to your potential date with class, ingenuity, and flair.
The group project
Starting off wholesome, this first strategy is usually a safe bet. Grab at least 20 of your peers and devise some sort of group promposal; you can choreograph a dance number or spell out a message, but I recommend that you go somewhere public (this increases the chances of success based on my very scientific research). Your date will be impressed by the effort you put into the promposal and happily say yes. Or, they’ll feel pressured by the sheer number of onlookers. Either way, it’s a win for you!
The sneak attack
This method harnesses the element of surprise and only requires your ability to hide in small places. You must first find a location that your date frequents. I recommend the bathroom, their car, or their refrigerator (although you have time it carefully or you may end up promposing to their father). Hide somewhere devious, and then wait patiently until they arrive. Lunge out of your position screaming, “Go to prom with me!”; in their bewildered state, they will enthusiastically say “yes!”, or file a restraining order. This one’s a gamble, I’ll admit.
The Rescue Rizz
As iconic actress Meryl Streep once said, “All actors are just people who have blind faith that they are who they say they are.” To successfully carry out this method without having the cops called on you, you must become an actor. All you’ll need is a couple of friends and some ski masks; follow your intended date around for a bit, and then have your friends run up and say something scary like, “I’m a kidnapper, mua ha ha,” or “Give me some spare change!!” Then, right before your date reaches for their phone, you jump in and begin fighting your friends. After you have succeeded in defending your date, they will be forever indebted to you. If done correctly, this method is a guaranteed “yes!”
The Befuddled Bag
One of the oldest tricks in the book, this method should only be used as a last resort. While it requires minimal effort, you must commit to being the most heinous, gaslighting version of yourself. Begin by telling everybody that you are going to prom with your date; mention it loudly in front of your classmates, talk about it constantly with your friends, and eventually the news will reach them. If they confront you, which will likely happen, simply start lying. Explain that you actually did prompose successfully, blame their shoddy memory, and get a few friends to corroborate your story. Boom! You now have a prom date, and you didn’t even have to prompose, although your morals are almost as questionable as my advice.
I hope these ideas inspire you to woo that special someone-- and hey, if you don’t have anyone you’d like to go with, or in the unlikely event that you are turned down, just have fun anyways! At least you won’t get arrested after following these instructions.
Also, this is my final Love Doc article before I retire! I’m looking for someone to take over next year, so hit me up on Instagram or email me if you’re interested. Thanks to all my loyal readers—this has been fun!
Gu-d luck with your future endeavors,