Love Doc: Go Cray Cray
BY JULIA KUANG '22
Good morning. Or afternoon. Or night, or whatever, whenever, and wherever you are at the moment. I hope this article finds you well (that’s what I put at the start of every dry, boring email I have to send, and likely sums up the amount of excitement I have in my life at the moment). I hope your love lives are much more exciting than the next few weeks of school we’ll trudge through before April break. My god…April seems EONS away. Best of luck to all of you.
Q: How can I get someone I’m interested in to notice me?
Sheeeeeeeeeeesh. In a pure, unfiltered answer, engage in some out-of-pocket-borderline-vagrant behavior. Crazy actions definitely track attention. It’s a classic, unclassy move. You could do a belly flop off the roof, scream out your undying love in the middle of the busy cafeteria, or another wacky, attention-seeking, cringey move. Maybe your little crush will think badly of you, but hey—at least they know you exist, which is probably a major upgrade.
Q: How to get hot??
A: Wow, the question of the century. I gotta admit, this is probably one of the tougher ones I’ve ever answered. To start off: “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Are you trying to get hot for yourself, or for some judgy loser? If it’s for the judgy loser (or, as I like to call it, the lurking claws of societal expectations and social media), I don’t really know how to help you other than 1) give in. do what you gotta do to make yourself happy and comfortable in your own life and skin or 2) ignore the haters (much easier said than done), and climb through Zuckerberg’s mansion window, commit a heinous crime, and crown yourself as the ruler of Facebook or—I’m sorry—Meta to take over social media. Another quick solution to this is to win the lottery and stay exactly as you are. Money can’t buy hotness, but money CAN make you a sugar daddy/mama/person. And that, my friend, will definitely make you hot to a certain demographic. If you wanna get hot for yourself, you gotta figure out what you think defines “hotness.” Go for it!
Q: Who’s the new Love Doc after you graduate?
A: LOL GOOD QUESTION. Next.
(But, uh, hmu if you’re interested)
I kinda foreshadowed that there was another question, but it’s late and I’m lazy so that’ll have to wait until next time. Have a lovely day!
With lots of love,