Ranking Aesthetics
BY KATHERINE LEE '23 & MAY HONG '23
The year is 2030. Tom Brady is fighting for his 19th Super Bowl ring, COVID-19 is nonexistent, and Charli D'Amelio is still renegading. However, due to an unfortunate laboratory experiment, half the population has turned into zombies! The world is thrown in chaos and only the fittest can survive. Except this time, it's not a question of suitable finch beak sizes but of human aesthetics that will determine who will make it out alive. In this article, we’ll rate the strengths and weaknesses of aesthetics like those of e-boys, gamers, and weebs. Wonder if you’ll survive? Keep reading to find out.
E-Boys n Girls: 9/10
First up are the e-boys and e-girls, suited up with chains, rings, and spiked collars. Fortunately, their accessories will come in handy as both weapons and armor when combatting zombies. Amidst the chaos, it's a good day to be wearing black, since it is excellent camouflage (unless you’re living in Antarctica, that is). However, they should probably tone down the heavy metal music, as not all zombies are big fans of Iron Maiden. Overall, the e-people are good contestants. We rank them at a strong 9/10.
VSCO Girls!: 7/10
Next are the VSCO ladies. Though hydroflasks make an ungodly sound during tests, they are good weapons against zombies! Turns out that blunt, metal objects can knock off zombie heads. The scrunchies are another plus; not only are they fashionable and convenient accessories, they also make nice slingshots. Unfortunately, VSCO girls have been caught one too many times trying to make TikToks with the undead. The renegade is not a good deterrent—sorry. 7/10
Lax Boys: 6/10
Then, we have the lax boys. The “Full Send” flags have no use here, unfortunately. They will probably call the zombies their “boys” and ask for their snaps. However, with their white Nike socks, black ultra boosts, and handy lacrosse sticks, they have an okay chance of survival. We rate Lax Boys at a 6/10.
r/ApplyingToCollege / College Confidential Tryhards: 3.6/10
Poor likelihood of survival. Will probably throw their old SAT prep books at the zombie and make chance me’s on their survival rates. Instead of kissing their Yale interviewer, they might try and kiss the zombies. On the plus side, they’re used to only getting 2 hours of sleep a day, so sleep deprivation is no issue for them. We rate their chances at a solid 3.6/10.
Gamers: 8/10
Gamers will do pretty well in an apocalypse, as they probably won’t even realize that it’s happening or will think that they’re in a video game. Though they will (unsuccessfully) attempt to craft diamond armor, they will defend their Razer mouses and backlit keyboards with their lives. Also, they have plenty of experience staying inside for long periods of time. We give them an 8/10 chance of surviving.
Band kids: 5/10
Mediocre chance of surviving. Some instruments like tubas are great weapons; however, most instruments, like flutes, literally do nothing. They’ll probably promote some crazy theory about communism to the zombies and show the undead their unfunny memes, incentivizing them to target the band kids. 5/10 chance of surviving.
Girls Stuck in 2016: 3/10
These girls will still be drinking Starbucks and wearing Adidas Superstars. In addition, they’ll still have Hollister clothes and the inability to stop peace signing. Really, all they will do during the apocalypse is turn the zombies into some sort of trend. We give them a 3/10 chance of survival.
Weebs/Kpop stan: 6/10
Actually decent chance at surviving. They can impress the zombies with some drippy merch and call the zombies their “waifu” or “senpai” so the monsters will like them. In case they’re in trouble, they can Naruto run away. Weebs also have sick body pillows and can summon some anime power to attack. We say that they have a 6/10 chance of surviving.
Well, how would you do during a zombie apocalypse? Remember, this isn’t the entire list of every aesthetic out there, and it certainly is no guarantee for survival. However, we hope this will give you a pretty good idea about how you could outwit the undead, so good luck out there!
E-Boys n Girls: 9/10
First up are the e-boys and e-girls, suited up with chains, rings, and spiked collars. Fortunately, their accessories will come in handy as both weapons and armor when combatting zombies. Amidst the chaos, it's a good day to be wearing black, since it is excellent camouflage (unless you’re living in Antarctica, that is). However, they should probably tone down the heavy metal music, as not all zombies are big fans of Iron Maiden. Overall, the e-people are good contestants. We rank them at a strong 9/10.
VSCO Girls!: 7/10
Next are the VSCO ladies. Though hydroflasks make an ungodly sound during tests, they are good weapons against zombies! Turns out that blunt, metal objects can knock off zombie heads. The scrunchies are another plus; not only are they fashionable and convenient accessories, they also make nice slingshots. Unfortunately, VSCO girls have been caught one too many times trying to make TikToks with the undead. The renegade is not a good deterrent—sorry. 7/10
Lax Boys: 6/10
Then, we have the lax boys. The “Full Send” flags have no use here, unfortunately. They will probably call the zombies their “boys” and ask for their snaps. However, with their white Nike socks, black ultra boosts, and handy lacrosse sticks, they have an okay chance of survival. We rate Lax Boys at a 6/10.
r/ApplyingToCollege / College Confidential Tryhards: 3.6/10
Poor likelihood of survival. Will probably throw their old SAT prep books at the zombie and make chance me’s on their survival rates. Instead of kissing their Yale interviewer, they might try and kiss the zombies. On the plus side, they’re used to only getting 2 hours of sleep a day, so sleep deprivation is no issue for them. We rate their chances at a solid 3.6/10.
Gamers: 8/10
Gamers will do pretty well in an apocalypse, as they probably won’t even realize that it’s happening or will think that they’re in a video game. Though they will (unsuccessfully) attempt to craft diamond armor, they will defend their Razer mouses and backlit keyboards with their lives. Also, they have plenty of experience staying inside for long periods of time. We give them an 8/10 chance of surviving.
Band kids: 5/10
Mediocre chance of surviving. Some instruments like tubas are great weapons; however, most instruments, like flutes, literally do nothing. They’ll probably promote some crazy theory about communism to the zombies and show the undead their unfunny memes, incentivizing them to target the band kids. 5/10 chance of surviving.
Girls Stuck in 2016: 3/10
These girls will still be drinking Starbucks and wearing Adidas Superstars. In addition, they’ll still have Hollister clothes and the inability to stop peace signing. Really, all they will do during the apocalypse is turn the zombies into some sort of trend. We give them a 3/10 chance of survival.
Weebs/Kpop stan: 6/10
Actually decent chance at surviving. They can impress the zombies with some drippy merch and call the zombies their “waifu” or “senpai” so the monsters will like them. In case they’re in trouble, they can Naruto run away. Weebs also have sick body pillows and can summon some anime power to attack. We say that they have a 6/10 chance of surviving.
Well, how would you do during a zombie apocalypse? Remember, this isn’t the entire list of every aesthetic out there, and it certainly is no guarantee for survival. However, we hope this will give you a pretty good idea about how you could outwit the undead, so good luck out there!
