BY GEORGE JI '23
Welcome readers, to my new column where I rank, review, and explain everything! Instead of just another Top Erasers or a Darkest Colors review, I’ll be releasing one of these every issue, and in doing so, rendering all other reviews and ratings on The Spectrum obsolete since I’ll be covering it all. The best movies, the greatest albums, the finest cuisine, you name it! I’ll even rate you: seven. With our first review out of the way, let’s get started!
Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend (2018) - In a series of long-form podcast episodes, Conan O’Brien interviews people who are supposedly celebrities. Listen in as Conan cracks jokes, reads ads, and talks with guests in segments that can last up to an hour long. His longtime assistant Sona also makes an appearance, and if you’ve ever seen her Instagram, you’d know she looks fabulous while doing it, too. Sona’s dry sarcasm paired with Conan’s over-the-top riffs in a weekly interview make this one of the best podcasts available today.
Retrospective: The Best of Buffalo Springfield by Buffalo Springfield (1969) - Released in 1969, this album showcases the best of Buffalo Springfield in a complete retrospective of his career.
Coconut Milk - Hydrating, sweet, and nutty, coconut water seems like an improvement. Look around the back at the sugar content though, and you’ll realize it pales in comparison to mineral water. See Rating Different Non-Dairy Milks for the actual coconut milk review since I can’t cover it. Yes, it’s real.
Jake Gyllenhaal (1980) - Next in line for an autograph, I stepped forward. “Mr. Gyllenhaal, I’m a huge fan, would you please sign this? It’s for a friend.” “Of course!” A smile slipped from under the mask. “It’s not for a woman, right?” I paused. “Um… no.” “Good, that's good.” He picked up the pen and pressed it onto the poster. “Mr. Gyllenhaal, I loved you in Far From Home, and you were great in Nightcrawler, but was Taylor Swift’s Red really all about you?” He stopped. “Mr. Gyllenhaal?”
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) - It was okay. See Spider-Man No Way Home Review. Apparently they’re already doing this one so instead I’ll talk about his predecessor: the Amazing Spider-Man!
The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) - There’s an article called Spider-Man Movies Ranked. No more Spider-Man.
Dark Gray (?)- A personal favorite of mine, dark gray is definitely one of the darkest colors out there, though it could afford to be more vibrant in its execution (think olive green or navy blue).
Tay to Z: A Taylor Swift Podcast (2020)- Check out The Supreme Podcasts for Your Listening Experience from back in December. I didn’t even know that was real.
Boring Baked Macaroni and Cheese - Your ordinary mac and cheese. Takes way too long to prepare, not worth your time, and really makes me wish there were a more convenient alternative.
The Waist Chop (1734) - See Execution Methods, Ranked. Who does that. Who does that.
Is there nothing that has not already been ranked, reviewed, or explained?
Bernie Sanders Mittens (2021) - 2021 Meme Review in December
Ikea Furniture Buzzfeed Quiz (2016) - See The Good, the Bad, and the BuzzFeed from the fall
Fancy Mug Mac and Cheese (2020) - See Current Food Trends Put to the Test of the Fall 2021 Issue.
Clarinets (1690)- See Are You Reed-y to Choose Your Instrument? Instrument
Caillou (1997) - Favorite Kids Shows got there first. I thought it was pretty good.
George Ji (2004) - See Greatest Tragedies. Wait, what?
Unfortunately, it appears that everything in existence has already been reviewed on The Spectrum, and thus, this column cannot continue. It’s been an honor, but I’ve been rendered obsolete; the master has become the student if you will.