Ranking Spotify Ads
BY N. RAZBAN '23
You are peacefully listening to your favorite song, “I Want to Kick Baby Yoda in the Ribs” by Billy Cobb, when suddenly... BAM! An ad plays. Sound familiar? Well, I wanted to do something about this frustration. Pay for Spotify premium? NOPE, I'M GONNA COMPLAIN. So, here it is, folks, me ranking your disruptions, from bad to badder.
#1: Velveeta Mac and Cheese: -1/5 Stars
A quick synopsis: a guy explains why he loves Velveeta Mac and Cheese while noisily eating some. What makes this ad my number one is how excited this man is about pasta. He just can't stop talking about how cheesy and smooth the noodles are! Granted, he is a paid actor, but I can sense the genuine emotion in his voice. The brand also has a very cool and fun name to pronounce: VelvEETA. However, this ad’s downside is its inconsistency. The man doesn’t explain the product the whole way through; in the middle, the speaker switches to a nasal-voiced lady who begins telling us the EXACT SAME THING as the guy, except worded differently. Number 1, your voice is annoying, and number 2, …ummm, rude? He can explain it on his own, MA’AM, even with a mouth full of pasta. Also, what’s with this midway switch? I am a firm believer that inconsistency in an ad means an inconsistent product.
#2: McDonald's -3/5 Stars
Ad script: “You finally finished your last meeting of the day, settle into the couch with your roommate, watch one episode, then another, then five more, and now you're starving,” then you go to McDonald's and buy some DELICIOUS burgers to enjoy with your roommate. I appreciate the realistic scenario here; it definitely brought the rating up a couple of points. I also love the many sound effects, including *incomprehensible chatter* and the nice loud “OOF” as she sits on the couch. I believe they really set the mood for the ad and allow you to connect with the characters on a deeper level. However, this ad promotes what may seem like harmless procrastination, but it’s actually the reason why all legislature takes years to pass. You may be under the illusion that laws pass so slowly because countless people have to check it against legal and ethical standards. However, you would be wrong. The reason for such a delay is that politicians, upon hearing this ad, were coerced into procrastination by binge-watching and eating junk food. Yep, you heard it right, folks. McDonald's is the underlying culprit for our government system’s inefficiency.
(Un)Lucky #3: PayPal -4/5 Stars
Ad script: “Whether you are a market seller, poodle pamperer, piano tuner, or plumber, signing up to accept touch-free payment for your business is easy. Touch-free QR code payments... Shop safe with PayPal!” Though the cons of this ad HIGHLY outweigh the pros, I have to give them some sort of positive feedback. There are quite a few fun sound effects dispersed throughout, such as dogs dog-ing and plumbers plumber-ing. However, the problem here is the same as the Velveeta ad: inconsistency. My dude here is going to use alliteration midway through his ad—“poodle pamperer, piano tuner, plumber”—but not start off with it? Let me give you a hand, PAL. How about we replace the first sentence with “whether you are a market manager,” or maybe “retail royalty”? OOH, “bazaar businessman” has a nice ring to it! Without this comforting consistency, I am no longer inclined to buy your product. My aversion is because—say it with me folks—inconsistent ads mean inconsistent products!
#4: L'Oreal Elvive Dream Lengths -5/5 Stars
Ad script: “Long hair goals?”
STOP. I’m not even gonna bother writing the rest of it, because if you use the word “goals” unironically, you are beyond help, my friend. And you just earned yourself last place! The poor word choice is not the only problem here though, because this next issue is rather… unsettling. The lady who told us about the shampoo chuckles after asking “long hair goals?” If shampoo makes you laugh, you are, once again, beyond help. This ad just creeped me out, and… gave me the sudden urge to get a buzz cut? SHORT HAIR GOALS *giggle.*
What have we learned today folks? That I have too much time on my hands? That YOU have too much time on your hands? That marketing itself can become a product since I just created content out of it? Maybe all of the above…so, to make myself feel better, I’m gonna go eat some mac and cheese with a burger while getting paid and washing my (now very short) hair.
#1: Velveeta Mac and Cheese: -1/5 Stars
A quick synopsis: a guy explains why he loves Velveeta Mac and Cheese while noisily eating some. What makes this ad my number one is how excited this man is about pasta. He just can't stop talking about how cheesy and smooth the noodles are! Granted, he is a paid actor, but I can sense the genuine emotion in his voice. The brand also has a very cool and fun name to pronounce: VelvEETA. However, this ad’s downside is its inconsistency. The man doesn’t explain the product the whole way through; in the middle, the speaker switches to a nasal-voiced lady who begins telling us the EXACT SAME THING as the guy, except worded differently. Number 1, your voice is annoying, and number 2, …ummm, rude? He can explain it on his own, MA’AM, even with a mouth full of pasta. Also, what’s with this midway switch? I am a firm believer that inconsistency in an ad means an inconsistent product.
#2: McDonald's -3/5 Stars
Ad script: “You finally finished your last meeting of the day, settle into the couch with your roommate, watch one episode, then another, then five more, and now you're starving,” then you go to McDonald's and buy some DELICIOUS burgers to enjoy with your roommate. I appreciate the realistic scenario here; it definitely brought the rating up a couple of points. I also love the many sound effects, including *incomprehensible chatter* and the nice loud “OOF” as she sits on the couch. I believe they really set the mood for the ad and allow you to connect with the characters on a deeper level. However, this ad promotes what may seem like harmless procrastination, but it’s actually the reason why all legislature takes years to pass. You may be under the illusion that laws pass so slowly because countless people have to check it against legal and ethical standards. However, you would be wrong. The reason for such a delay is that politicians, upon hearing this ad, were coerced into procrastination by binge-watching and eating junk food. Yep, you heard it right, folks. McDonald's is the underlying culprit for our government system’s inefficiency.
(Un)Lucky #3: PayPal -4/5 Stars
Ad script: “Whether you are a market seller, poodle pamperer, piano tuner, or plumber, signing up to accept touch-free payment for your business is easy. Touch-free QR code payments... Shop safe with PayPal!” Though the cons of this ad HIGHLY outweigh the pros, I have to give them some sort of positive feedback. There are quite a few fun sound effects dispersed throughout, such as dogs dog-ing and plumbers plumber-ing. However, the problem here is the same as the Velveeta ad: inconsistency. My dude here is going to use alliteration midway through his ad—“poodle pamperer, piano tuner, plumber”—but not start off with it? Let me give you a hand, PAL. How about we replace the first sentence with “whether you are a market manager,” or maybe “retail royalty”? OOH, “bazaar businessman” has a nice ring to it! Without this comforting consistency, I am no longer inclined to buy your product. My aversion is because—say it with me folks—inconsistent ads mean inconsistent products!
#4: L'Oreal Elvive Dream Lengths -5/5 Stars
Ad script: “Long hair goals?”
STOP. I’m not even gonna bother writing the rest of it, because if you use the word “goals” unironically, you are beyond help, my friend. And you just earned yourself last place! The poor word choice is not the only problem here though, because this next issue is rather… unsettling. The lady who told us about the shampoo chuckles after asking “long hair goals?” If shampoo makes you laugh, you are, once again, beyond help. This ad just creeped me out, and… gave me the sudden urge to get a buzz cut? SHORT HAIR GOALS *giggle.*
What have we learned today folks? That I have too much time on my hands? That YOU have too much time on your hands? That marketing itself can become a product since I just created content out of it? Maybe all of the above…so, to make myself feel better, I’m gonna go eat some mac and cheese with a burger while getting paid and washing my (now very short) hair.
